So I get a lot of questions from college kids. I'm Birna. I'm a sex educator, and I teach at the university level. I compiled some of my top questions, but not super basic ones. I want to get more in depth, but these are really common things that a lot of college kids go through. Here in the US college kids are between the ages of 17, 18, to 21, 22 so that's the age group I'm talking about. I'm not just talking about like anyone who happens to be in college. I'm also talking about the Co-Ed experience. For a lot of the people that I lecture, they are living alone for the first time, without any parental supervision. They're living with people roommates or people of the opposite gender for the first time, and this can be a really big adjustment for them. A lot of people also are new or have new sexual experiences, new to having sexual experiences in college, or they're trying new things that they haven't really tried before, plus the changes. You're still developing. You're still kind of ending puberty at this time, you're still growing. And you know, obviously you're learning a lot, and the fact that a lot of people don't have as much privacy as they used to, even though they're living on their own, they might have roommates or suites with people or share bathrooms. There's a lot of new experiences, we'll put it that way, that people encounter. Plus, of course, you know, there's more drinking, there's more partying, especially if you go to like a huge school that's known for that there might be pressure to drink or pressure to have sex. So we're going to navigate that as well. I'm going to go through some of my most common scenarios and really specific ones that I see all the time, and then at the end, I'm going to give you my tips to have a healthier and safer college experience. Okay, so our first listener, he messaged me, and he said, and by the way, very brave for DMing me this question. I love that for you. He said I was jerking off, and my roommate walked in. He had been away all weekend, and he wasn't supposed to get back until the next day. He didn't see anything because I was under the covers, but he kind of freaked out when he realized the frustrating part is, I feel like I never get a moment to do it, since there's shared bathrooms, even stuff like shared showers, and we're not ever allowed to lock our doors. How can I get rid of all this pent up sexual frustration so I don't find myself in these situations? So this is really common. Again, people are living with roommates for the first time. They might have shared spaces. They might have suite mates. Even if you don't have a roommate, you might be living somewhere where there's like, really thin walls, like in a dorm. So beyond navigating when to have sex, like, a lot of people are like, I'll give you the room if you are in there with a girl, right? It's a little bit more of an awkward situation if you know, you're like, Can I have the room to jerk off? Like a lot of people are not going to say that, and I'm not suggesting that you do that if you have that type of relationship with your roommate, good for you. But I think a lot of people have to end up trying to find times where they have a moment to themselves. So I know, for example, when I was in college, I had a roommate, and we had really similar schedules, and it got to the point where I said to her, Hey, I'm sure that you want some private time, and I do too, whatever you're doing during your private time, like I wasn't gonna get into that. Into that. But sometimes people just like, want a moment alone too. So even if you just schedule it with your roommate, like, Hey, can you just like, give me a heads up if you're coming home early, and just communicate about it. You don't have to say, like, I'm dying to jerk off. Can you give me some space? But you can say that you two live together. You're around each other all the time. Let's just schedule some time, or just give me a heads up, like before you come home, just in case, you know. And now that this has happened, you can even be more clear and be like, sorry that you had to see that. You know, I'm human. It happens next time. Just give me a heads up. And if they feel like, well, it's my room. I should be entitled to do whatever I want. Just explain to them that, you know, it's a new situation for both of you, and it would work out well for him too, because he gets some private time too. Come at it that way, like you just need alone time. Alone time benefits both of you schedule it or ask them, like, specifically to let you know when they're when they're coming home. Okay, so the next one, whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, it feels good until he pushes it deeper and it starts hurting really bad. Sometimes there's even blood. Does losing your virginity take a long time? Why am I still bleeding? So this is something I see a lot with college aged people. You know, a lot of people come into college already having their sexual experiences, or, you know, some sort of variety of sexual experience, and then some people are experiencing it for the first time if you have a vagina, there's this prominent myth that when you have penetrative sex for the first time, you're gonna bleed. And that's not necessarily true for some people, especially if you're not fully aroused before you're penetrated, you might bleed as tissue in your vagina that hasn't really been stretched out before might stretch out. But it's not entirely true that everyone has to bleed or you gush blood, or any of that. I think it's also important to remember that during any sexual experience, if it's hurting you, you can say that you don't want to continue. You're allowed to change your mind. You're also allowed to tell the person you're having sex with this hurts. So if this is an experience. You're consistently having where it feels fine up until a certain point it starts to hurt really. Remember that you're allowed to speak up, and you're in control of what's happening to you, even if you're receiving penetration. A lot of people are going through these things for the first time, and it can be really scary to speak up, especially if you're uncomfortable, but remember that the both of you are supposed to be having a good time. So if you're bleeding consistently, it could be a couple things. Sometimes people that are college aged are going on contraception for the first time, and it causes spotting. But it seems like this is a different issue, because you're bleeding during penetration. So it could be that you either have something going on with your cervix, or you're having some sort of tissue stretching out something like vaginismus, which means, like an involuntary contraction of your pelvic muscles. So go to the gynecologist, talk to your university health center and see if they can set you up with someone here in the US, a lot of universities have great health resources, especially for gynecological stuff. So you can ask to see somebody, and then when you go in, you can explain the situation and specify that it happens during penetrative sex. I know it might sound a little awkward to bring that up with your doctor, but remember that they need the full information in order to help you. So it doesn't take a while to lose your virginity. What's happening to you isn't a normal experience. It might be common, but it's not a comfortable one, and there's definitely things you can do to to get help for those things. So I'm a girl living with another girl, and I'm starting to develop feelings for my roommate. She says she's straight, but whenever she gets drunk, she kisses me and wants to cuddle. It keeps going a little further every time I feel guilty because we're doing this when we've been drinking, and she never brings it up when she's sober. Does she have feelings for me, or does she just want to have fun? How can I do this without getting hurt? So I think the queer experience in college is something that's often left out of the conversation, and whether that's people coming out for the first time, or realizing this about themselves, or exploring things they haven't considered exploring before. It's something that happens, and I think it's really important to validate that, that it's okay that you have feelings for your roommate. I mean, you're around her all the time, you might have a crush on her, and now it's developed into something more. I think it's important to remember what your own boundaries are. For people that are college aged, it can be really difficult to understand where yes and no kind of feels, or where that feels like in the body, like, if you are getting like, knots in your stomach when something's happening, you're allowed to leave the situation. You're allowed to speak up for yourself. If you notice butterflies in your stomach when something's happening. You're also allowed to express that you're really into it. And there's a couple things that could happen, right? You might be afraid of rejection, and then you're stuck with that roommate for the rest of the semester. You could also be afraid of missing out on your friendship because you were honest about your feelings. So I understand that this is like a really complicated situation for you, but it's really, really common, and it happens to all genders. It doesn't just happen to girls. And I think there's this narrative though, of girls are allowed to kiss when they get drunk, and it's like, no big deal, and we're just exploring. But if one of you has stronger feelings, like one of you is gonna get hurt, right? It also sounds like she's doing a lot of this when you're drinking. And that's something that happens with college age kids a lot, where the only time they're exploring sexually is when they're under the influence of any kind of substance, or if they've been drinking, because it feels like it's kind of Free For All right, it's like, well, it doesn't really count because I was drunk. That is really tricky, because what you need to start doing is talk to her about it when you're not drinking and not when you're hungover, either, like, let the moment pass. Bring it up on like, a Tuesday that down with her and say, like, I noticed that you are really touchy when you're drunk. Why do you want to do that with me? Is it something that, like, you just kiss your friends when you're drunk, or, like, what's what's going on there? It's really important that she takes responsibility for what she's doing too, and don't let her, kind of like, walk all over you in that regard. Like, it's really important that you stand your ground with this, because that also can salvage the friendship after. Because if she's like, Oh, it doesn't mean anything, like, it's fine, then you can say, Okay, well, I love hanging out and I love drinking with you and stuff, but I think it's better than if we like cool it on all the other stuff. In that scenario, it's like you are expressing your boundaries, but you're not doing it in a way that will make her feel bad. And it's important to also be clear with yourself, what do I want out of this? Do I want to risk my friendship and date her. Do I want the kissing to stop? Am I feeling guilty because, you know, we're only doing this when we're drinking. Does it feel coercive? Try to figure out what exactly it is that's making you feel bad and go from there as well. But in general, not just for this person, but in general, for college, I think it's really important to remember, especially. Those first like two years, that if your only sexual experiences are happening when you're drinking, that's not always going to serve you in your sex life. What I mean by that is, when you're drinking, your inhibitions are lower, so the stuff that you wouldn't normally maybe do when you're sober, you're doing when you're drinking, and it's it can be really confusing for you as someone who's learning about sex or learning about your boundaries, to know, like when you actually want to do something, versus what you're kind of just letting happen because your inhibitions are low. So I'm not saying that you can't have sex when you're drunk, like, you know, people have drunk sex. What I'm saying is, if your only sexual experiences are happening when you're drinking. It's time to reevaluate that. Are you afraid of having sex when you're sober? Is it too awkward? Is it too intimate? Try to pinpoint what's going on there, and especially if you're seeing someone regularly, bring it up with them, and try to figure out other ways to have intimate moments without always being drunk. It sounds like this person might have feelings for you too, and you never know unless you ask, but they could also just be lonely, and that can can kind of sting and be a bummer if they don't reciprocate those feelings. So just decide what's most important to you. Do you want to continue this stuff and be in the gray area? Do you want to make it more clear and risk something or maybe it clears up and you guys have a better relationship afterwards, but either way, stay true to yourself and don't let someone push your own boundaries. Okay, so the next question is something that a lot of people can relate to at any age, but I think this happens for the first time when they're a young adult. So this listener says, I recently slept with a guy and then tested positive for chlamydia. I didn't sleep with anyone last semester, and tested negative for everything when I went to the gynecologist. So I knew it was him. I told him about it, and He is insisting that it wasn't him. He insinuated I slept around, and that's how I got it. I'm worried he is spreading it to other people, and he refuses to get tested or treated. Do I publicly shame him at this point. How do I get through to him? Okay? So I would say, don't publicly shame him, because we're gonna do something else instead. One. I know that there's websites where you can, like, send an anonymous, like STI message to someone, so maybe if he's getting it from another source too. He might feel more inclined to take it seriously, but then again, probably not right, especially if you're like, Hey, you got you gave me chlamydia. And he's like, What do you mean? You slut? Like, that's that's crazy. So the most common symptom of an STI is no symptom at all. So he might not be feeling any itching or burning or anything, and so he might really genuinely believe that he doesn't have it. For me, what I would do is try to get him alone and talk to him and say, this is something that happens to people. You're not a bad person this. I'm not like mad at you for giving this to me. However, I know that I didn't sleep with anyone else, and so it's for you. Like, you can be messing up your own you can be messing up your penis, like you don't want to go through that. This is where I got tested. It was free. It's on campus. It's totally anonymous, like, I'll go with you if you want. Obviously you don't owe this guy respect. Obviously he's like, slut shaming you. But like you said, you're worried that he's spreading it to other people, and it might be a public health issue at this point. So I would explain to him, you don't have to have symptoms to have it. It's just, you just have to pee in a cup, and they test it, and then you get treated just a couple like antibiotics for a week. Just tell him what you did and make it seem like no big deal. He's elevating the situation. And this will happens a lot in college, for people, right? They might be dealing with this for the first time, and when it's they're faced with this situation for the first time, they might really freak out. They're like, STIs, mean, I'm dirty. STIs. Mean, I sleep around. STIs. Mean, all these things. And I think it's really important to just nip it in the bud and be like, none of that's true. Also, I'm not a slut, even if I was, there's nothing wrong with that. And just kind of to be really, really clear with him and upfront, because the more you just let him talk to you like this, the more he's gonna get away with also. So don't be afraid of just standing up and saying that you're not gonna let him talk to you like that. And it can be really scary to feel like in that power for the first time, you definitely don't have to take that from anybody, and it's important that you learn to stand up for yourself as well. Next question, I'm an affiliate with Wisp, a trusted online pharmacy making women's health care more accessible. They offer birth control, UTI treatments and wellness products you can shop, like pads, lube and even toy cleaner, all shipped directly and discreetly to your door. Use my code, B, B, I r n a or link in my description to get 15% off your first order. I recommend the better sex line that's B, B, I r n a at Hellowisp.com. "In went to a frat party. I gave a guy head. He didn't give me anything in return. I feel so ashamed, and I really, really regret it, and now I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I'm really afraid of intimacy." So I see this on TikTok a lot, that a lot of young people have a fear of intimacy, and it's totally coming from a normal place, a really common place, if you're hooking up with someone and you feel like there's an unfair power imbalance, if you feel like there's a lot of giving and not a lot of receiving, and you're not okay with that. Like, here's what I would do moving forward, acknowledge that every sexual experience you have is gonna be different, and every sexual partner you have is gonna be different. It's really important to be clear, with your own expectations going in. It could be that he got embarrassed, that he came and now he's like, Oh, it's over, you know? Or it could be coming from a place of like, this is all I wanted. Like, I'm not doing anything because I'm entitled to your pleasure, and you're not entitled to any and so it really depends, like, what's going on with him, but regardless, it's not your problem. It's really not a reflection on you. You went down on someone, you had a sexual experience. It doesn't make you a bad person, like you didn't get conned or tricked or duped into something. It's so important to remember that every sexual experience you have is going to be different. It's not your fault that you were expecting something in return and it didn't happen. Because that's a normal expectation to have, like, having sex with someone, regardless if it's oral sex, just hand stuff, whatever, there is an expectation of give and take, and he's actually he's subverting that expectation by not even giving you the time of day. We're done with him for a while, I hope, at least. And moving forward, what you can say is, I'm not ready to do that just yet. I don't like that. I want this. Instead, you can practice saying these things. If your partner, your sexual partner, is feeling like, annoyed by feedback, or feeling like, ugh. Like, I don't want to do all that. They don't deserve to have sex with you. They're not mature enough, or they're feeling entitled to something that's not theirs to feel entitled to. It can be really scary, especially if you have, like, strong feelings for somebody. If you have like, a huge crush on a guy and he's treating you like this, it might be really tempting to be like, Oh well, you know, like, maybe I am asking for too much, or, like, oh, like, I should have known better. Neither one of those things has to be true, and it's important for you to be with partners that do respect you and do, you know, take your time seriously and take your pleasure seriously. A lot of the time when we're young, you know, we're all figuring things out about ourselves and what we like and what we do. And a lot of the time, what people do is they project shame onto another person. They feel bad about the sex that they're having. It's a new experience. They feel uncomfortable, they feel ashamed, so they project it onto you. All of a sudden, you're just someone who gave a blow job instead of like, no, like it took two to tango, like, we had a sexual experience together, but it's easier for them to project that shame instead of dealing with those things. So again, don't take it personally, and don't take it with you. You don't have to take the shame with you into the next sexual experience, but you can take those lessons. Maybe you want to get to know someone a little longer before or maybe you know if you are at a party and you're hooking up with someone make it really clear that I don't want to do these things, or I want to do something different, or I need to get off too. You can even say things like that, or I want to, not need to, but I want to. It can feel really icky, and it can feel really weird to start saying these things, especially if you feel ashamed already, but you can shed it and you can move forward. The shame should be on that person? It shouldn't. It shouldn't be on you. Another question I get asked a lot. I teach the queer literacy lecture a lot at colleges, and when I was at Harvard sex week, I got a lot of really great questions about how to buy or in store and clean sex toys in shared spaces. So if you're living in a dorm, if you're even if you're living off campus with roommates, you know, we want to respect the privacy of the people living with us, and we don't necessarily always want them to hear or see what we're doing. I think there's an extra bit of shame, though, or, like, an extra bit of like, nervousness about feeling like you can't use a vibrator, like you shouldn't have one or, like, it's like, a funny thing to kind of have, or stuff like that. So I get asked a lot, where is a good place to buy sex toys? How do I clean and store them in a shared space? So it depends, like, where you go to school, right? Because there's like, like, for me, like, I went to undergrad here in New York, like, the area I'm from, and so I knew, like, where to go. You know, my high school boyfriend, like, took me to babe land when I was, like, 17, and I knew what to do. I knew where to go, like, it was no problem, and I just hid them from my roommate. If you live in kind of like, you know, big state school, but it's kind of like the middle of nowhere. There's not a lot of, like, sex toy stores around. Or if there are, it's like one of those, like, hustler ones. Ones where, like, everything is like, in clear plastic and hung up on those. You know what I'm talking about. You might not feel comfortable going in there, so I would suggest buying something online. Don't go on Amazon. There's a lot of dupes on there, and there's a lot of things that are not necessarily made of safe materials or been tested. So go online. You can go on a place like unbound mod bellessa, and then those places have discrete packaging, I know, like, when you order something from Unbound, it says, Just facility something. And then bellessa, it's like, boxes, facility or something. So people are just gonna be like, Oh, she's just, like, got a package. So buy something online that you can see at checkout, it has, like, discrete shipping, so then no one's, like, snooping around in your mail. And you could even have it, like at a pickup location, if you're afraid that the mail will get mixed up, and then you're gonna be known as, like, the dildo girl, like, don't worry. Like, you can literally just go and pick it up at, like a locker or whatever. A lot of campuses have them. Now, when I was at Georgetown for my masters, there was like, a package pickup area, and I was always thinking, I was like, I wonder how many sex toys come through there every day, or, like, bottles of lube or something. But I would say also, if you really don't want to order it in mail, like, if you can go in person, it's also a really great experience. I worked at a sex toy store for years, and I helped a lot of younger people figure out, like, what they wanted out of a toy. And if you've never held a vibrator before, no matter how old you are, it can be really great to go in and just experience it and be like, okay, like, bullet vibes have this, like, high frequency and that just kind of, like, itches on my skin. These things have more rumbly, okay, cool. You know, when you're young, you have limited resources, like, you don't have, like, an endless supply of cash, or, I guess most of us don't, right? So you don't want to buy something you don't like, either. So if you can go in person, I suggest that if you can't, you know, I'll link in my show notes, like, my favorite discrete packaging options. I would also say, get something waterproof. So when it says, like, splash proof, don't get that, like, get something that's submersible, because you're gonna want to get, like, a opaque little case for it and put it in your shower caddy, because that's where you're gonna clean it. You don't have to clean it like, in the middle of the night, in the in the sink, when no one's looking like, you can just use it and clean it and like, keep it clean and make sure to clean it. I know that that's sometimes the hardest part for people. They're like, Okay, I have a sex toy, but I'm living with other people, so I can use it, but I'm so afraid someone will see me clean it. It's really important you keep it clean, and you should be cleaning it before and after. I have to say that I'm in public health. I have to say you have to clean it before and after, but I really want you to clean it at least before you use it. If you're not cleaning it before, use it and you just cleaned it after, like, that's fine, but remember that wherever you're storing it, it could pick up lint. It could pick up things like cat hair, like you don't want that stuff on your vibrator, so just remember to keep it clean. And so getting one those little opaque shower package things and putting it in your shower caddy, then it's discrete and it's waterproof. So then you can just take it with you in the shower and clean it, and get something also that comes with, like a little pouch. If it doesn't come with a pouch, just order something that's breathable material that's thick enough that it'll hide what it is. It'll hide the shape, and then just stuff it in your sock drawer or something. Some people even cover it, like with, like a wool sock or something in the pouch. So then if people are stooping around in your stuff, which they shouldn't be, by the way, but if they do, they're not gonna see it, and even if they do see it. So what? We're sexual people. We're sexual creatures. You're allowed to have a vibrator. You're an adult. Remember, even though you're in college, you're still an adult. You're allowed to buy it, you're allowed to own it, and as long as you're not exposing yourself to people or like using it in front of people without their consent, you're allowed to have it in your room like it's okay, but I know it can be really embarrassing and scary, especially if this is your first time doing something like that. So here are some of my overall tips when it comes to having like, a safer and better sex life in college. If you know me, you know that unbound has been one of my favorite brands for years now, and you get a discount and support the show if you use code B. Birna at checkout, my personal favorites are Ollie, a strong, waterproof, incredible wand that does not leave my nightstand drawer. Puff, a pinpoint suction toy. They make vibes, lubes and so much more. So go check them out and tell them I sent you. B, B, I, R, N, A at unboundbabes.com The number one thing before I even get into the list, the number one thing. And I always talk about this in all my lectures, and I talk about this at the start of every workshop I teach. And it's really important that you practice speaking up for yourself outside of the bedroom, so when it comes time in the bedroom, you can speak up for yourself. So what I mean by that is, for example, if you have been partying on Thursday, Friday, and then Saturday comes around and people are like, are you coming out? Like, you have to come out. And you're like, I'm so exhausted. I have this term paper like, I really don't want to do this. I'm afraid of letting them down if I don't go and like. I know as soon as I go like, I guess I'll have fun, but I'm I'm kind of not showing up for myself. You can practice saying no. You can say, I don't want to do that, or I'm not really feeling it. But you can also just say, straight up, like, I have a lot of other things I need to do, so I can't come practice those things. Being on your own for the first time can be really confusing and scary when you're making all these decisions all the time for yourself for the first time. So remember, you have to speak up for yourself. And if you're in a situation where you're having sex with someone, you're having a sexual experience with somebody, it's important to also be able to say, I don't want to do that, or we need to use a condom, or I don't feel good right now, or I changed my mind. These are words that are allowed to come out of your mouth and should come out of your mouth no matter who you are. So practice that, and it's important to do that before you're having sex and during sex as well know what sexual health services your school provides. So for example, I went to a very liberal school for undergrad, and they had a really great health service section, and I could get a lot of questions answered, and I had a great experience for my grad school. It was a different story, because it's a Catholic school, so they could, for example, prescribe birth control only if, like, you said you had really bad periods, you know, like, they kind of had to, like, get around it. So if you're at a school that might limit your reproductive choice. Also keep in mind that there might be places in that town that offer something there might be something by mail. Remember that you have options. No matter what state you're in and what city you're in. There are people that also that want to help you have those options, but know what sexual health services your school provides, what it doesn't provide, what you need to maybe do every time you come home to visit. So if you're the type of person who's never been to the gynecologist before, and you're turning 21 you might want to get that pap smear at school before you you know have to pay for it, like next year when you're like, trying to get a job and you're uninsured. Just keep in mind that you also want to utilize the school services as much as possible for your sex life. Get tested. Get tested regularly. A lot of schools offer it, and they do it anonymously. They do it at low cost or free, and utilize it like, I can't even begin to tell you, like, how many things I wish I'd utilized more, especially when I was in grad school, I was like, whoa. I get all of this stuff, and I definitely underutilized it. So the second one's a little more serious too. Know what to do in the event that you or a friend or someone you don't know is in a situation where somebody's violated, you know their boundaries are violated, whether that's coercion or something like assault or even something like sexual harassment. Know what to do in terms of what your school provides, and know what to do also to keep yourself safe and well during that time. Unfortunately, for a lot of people, you know, this is a reality on college campuses in the US. So while we love talking about how fun sex can be during these years, and you know, how much is changing, how exciting it is, it's really important to know also what to do in this event, whether that's, you know, there's a office on campus that has those resources, or you need to get them outside of school, or whatever the case may be, know what your college offers and how to access it in the event that you or your friend needs it. The third one is, pace yourself when you're partying. You're like, how does this affect my sex life? Excessive drinking is, like, really common in college, like binge drinking and just excessive like partying too, right? I'm not gonna tell you what to do obviously, you know, I was young and I partied too, but here's the ways that it can impact her sex life. For one, obviously, like I mentioned, drinking lowers your inhibitions, and it can make it harder for you to understand where your personal boundaries are. Another thing it does is it dehydrates you, and that's not great for your sex life. You can, you know, see an increase in things like UTIs or yeast infections. So make sure you're also staying healthy, you're staying hydrated, you're aware of yourself and your surroundings, and also have a buddy system, like if you and your friends are going out and you're partying, always know where you are at the end of the night, know that everybody made it home. Okay, I love that. Like, you know, when I was in college, stuff like, Find My Friends, was beginning to happen. So I could be like, Okay, I'm heading home, and I see that she's there with, like, her friend. She's there with this friend. Okay, I can go home, you know, and I'm not telling everyone to be the mom friend, but it's important that we look out for each other, and our intimate lives are should be prioritized, and that includes also our friendships and our intimate lives with one another. So the next one is, be honest about your expectations in relationships. I hear from a lot of young women in particular that they're not interested in hookup culture. They don't want to have one night stands, and this is because they feel like their pleasure isn't being prioritized, or they're being slut shamed, or they just want to get to know someone more, whatever reason, it's totally fine, but I think it's really important to be upfront about those things. And if you're the type of person who wants to have hookups, you want to have just sexual experience. Experiences that don't involve long term relationships. You need to be honest about that too. And I think the more we're honest with one another, the more those people will find each other. What's not cool to do is tell someone, yeah, like I'm I really want a relationship just to have sex with them. It's weird, and it's not gonna gain you any points. And there's also more to life than just the sexual experience. And there's more to your sex life than just the sexual experience you're having. It's also like the intimate bonds you can create with people. And I know it sounds corny, but it's true, you're not gonna feel good if you're lying to someone in order to have sex with them. That's not gonna be a great sexual experience for either of you. So being really honest about, listen, I'm just more looking for fun, and I'm actually not looking to have a relationship. I'm focusing more on school. But that can seem really like weird to say, but it's better than being like, Yeah, I'm looking for a girlfriend. What's up, and then, like, kind of ghosting them after and same goes, like, if you're somebody who doesn't want to have hookups, make that really clear. And make it clear that like you want to get to know someone more and stand your ground with that, like you don't have to bend your boundaries in either direction just because you like the attention. That's something I think is a really good one, especially for young women to learn. It's a lesson I learned. It's a lesson a lot of us learned the hard way where it's like, I should have been more honest about what I was looking for, because I was always just hoping he would feel the same way. But then I realized, Oh, I didn't even express that, this is what I wanted. So be honest with yourself. Be honest with others. In that same vein, avoid overly prioritizing your romantic relationships. What I mean by that is having a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner in college can be really exciting and it can be amazing. And I'm not telling you not to date. I had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend, and you know, it's great. However, it's important to remember that your romantic relationship is not your whole life, even though it might be so new and so exciting, so loving, it doesn't have to come before your academic priorities, it doesn't have to come before all your friendships. It doesn't have to come before your own personal goals. And when you're in college, there's a lot of opportunities to explore, and there's a lot of new things that you can try and so if you have a relationship, remember that you also have to respect each other's growth and exploration. People change a lot, also pretty quickly during these years, and you have to adjust for that as well. So if you find yourself really isolated, if you find like you are becoming increasingly more like you're spending all of your time with your partner, you're not seeing your friends anymore, you're not talking to your family anymore, you're slacking off your missing class because you'd rather be with them. Those are red flags, and it's important to look out for those things, because remember what you're there for. A lot of us went to college on scholarships, and a lot of us hate a lot of money to go to college, and it's important to remember that you're not just there to hang out with this person. You're also there for yourself and for your future. So let me be the mom friend in this scenario and remind you that your romantic life is not your whole life. So I put in here. Remember to get tested like three times, because I think it's so important remember that the most common symptom of an STI is no symptoms at all. Remember that there's no shame in getting tested and that it should just be something that you can even talk to your friends about. It's okay to have awkward or uncomfortable discussions. It's okay if something is like kind of embarrassing to bring up to a sex partner. But practice all of the stuff that you're learning in college, you're practicing those things when I'm like, in biology class, a lot of the stuff was like stuff that I kind of already knew, but then you're adding a lot of depth to it, and that doesn't happen on its own, like it happens with practice and understanding. So same thing with these conversations. It's gonna feel really weird and awkward maybe at first, but if you can practice asking your partners what their STI status is, and avoid using words like, Oh, I'm clean or I'm good, be really specific. Those things matter, and they're gonna get easier with time and with practice. So in that same vein, carry condoms even if you think you don't need them, even if, like, you don't use them, you never know if your friend might use them, or if you're at a party and someone needs one, and it's okay to also want to use them. Like, we hear a lot of myths about condom use where it's like, oh, it just like, won't fit, or it's just like, more uncomfortable. And then I have to remind people, okay, well, there's also things that are very uncomfortable, like, you know, getting an STI even though most of them are manageable or treatable, it's still uncomfortable to deal with, right? And what's the most uncomfortable at all of all is an unwanted pregnancy, especially when you had planned something else for your future for the next couple years. So, yeah, use condoms. My. Favorite are the lay low hex ones. They're really stretchy. They're really thin. They don't have that weird latex smell. They have like a great lube on them. So, you know, I know that also, people don't have a lot of excess resources. So there's a lot of places on campus where you can probably get free condoms, but use ones that you like, use ones that you know fit if you're the one wearing the condom, practice putting it on, and practice, like, having it on, get used to that feeling it's important to wear them. And also, like, if you prioritize your partner's safety and well being, they're gonna want to have more fun with you, and it's gonna be more exciting to play and explore and do new things together, because they're gonna feel safer with you. So it's a win, win. And with condoms. Make sure, if you are carrying one, a lot of people have, like, the same one throughout high school in their wallet or something, or in their backpack, you're gonna want to swap that out because they expire. But also, if you're like, how, if you have in your wallet you're always sitting on it, you're gonna, like, eventually it's gonna erode the latex, and it's gonna cause those, like, wrinkles, you're going to want to switch it out. So just buy a box and, like, if you have it in your wallet and you're not using it very frequently, just swap it out every couple weeks and make sure that maybe you even have more than one on hand, just in case. Because a lot of the times, the thing that happens is that a condom breaks because it's been sitting in your wallet for, like, four years, all of a sudden it's like, okay, well, we're already here, so maybe I'll just pull out. I just want to remind people that, yes, the the pull out method, college kid favorite, right? We say things like, oh, it works 80% of the time. So you guys are all smart cookies. You guys know what you're doing. 80% that sounds like pretty good odds, right? What that stat really means is that if you know there's people using the withdrawal method, it means that they're using it consistently as their only form of contraceptive over the course of a year. So it's gonna work 80% of the time. So what that means, if there's 100 people using the withdrawal method, so you know, probably like a couple of your classes combined, is like 100 people, right? 100 people are using the withdrawal method, that means that 22 people are gonna get pregnant at the end of that calendar year. Suddenly, the odds don't seem so great, right? So don't rely on that stuff. It's really hard also to know, especially if you're having new sexual experiences, you're new to sex in general, it's hard to know exactly when you're gonna ejaculate. So don't take that risk. Don't take that gamble. Just wrap it up. It Up. It doesn't hurt. Get used to wearing condoms. They will be your friend throughout college, I promise. So that's it for my college kid series. The first part, at least I can make this like an ongoing series, because I know a lot of people from 18 to 21 ask me a lot of questions, and if you are the parents of someone in college, this is also great stuff to learn and to know what to expect and and to remember the stuff you might have gone through in college might have changed. I know for me, like my mom didn't go to college, so she didn't exactly know what my experience was going to be. And my dad went to college in a different country, so it's like the stuff that they had gone through during those years. You know, my mom had a baby before she was 21 so it's just a vastly different experience. It's really important as a parent to keep up to date with like what your kids might be going through and what they might be just learn what to expect during those years and to remember to help them access those health resources through reproductive resources, especially. And if you want a series for parents, stay tuned, because that's on its way. For parents of teenagers and young adults, I have something for you. Thanks for listening.