Birna Gustafsson: Welcome back to Beyond the Bedroom and I have another very special guest with me today. Catherine Drysdale.

Catherine Drysdale: Thank you for having me!

Birna Gustafsson: Are you ready to go Beyond the Bedroom?

Catherine Drysdale: A hundred percent, a hundred percent.

Birna Gustafsson: So you are a sex and relationship coach. tell the people what exactly does that entail? Because like the thing I hear a lot is like, so are you coaching people during sex? And I'm like,

Catherine Drysdale: Like, where do I even start?

No, yeah. I think there's a lot of misconceptions when it comes to coaching. What I do mostly is I work with primarily women. Occasionally couples. And what we do is a lot of mindset work. work with clients anywhere from like three months and beyond. And when we work together, it's similar what you'd expect for like therapy, except for the framework is within coaching. So while with a therapist, you might work with them for months, several months, years and beyond. With coaching, it's usually like a shorter time period because we are focused on goals, specific goals. Clients come in with like a particular challenge or problem and we focus all our attention on resolving that in whatever way that we're able to do that. And then...

I also specialize in working with women who have experienced trauma or limiting beliefs and stuff like that that have prevented them from experiencing the pleasure that they want. And we do that with subconscious reprogramming tools like neuro-linguistic programming, EFT tapping, and then pairing that with somatic tools and also education because we were fucked when it comes to sex education.

Birna Gustafsson: yeah, is something that people are always missing even if they have a great education about sex, even if they have a great mindset going in, maybe they've kind of undid a lot of those limiting beliefs and then at the end of the day though they're like, I just don't really know how to get into my body, like I'm a little too much in my mind. Is this something that you see a lot in terms of like those common problems, like people just getting too in their head and not in their body?

CD: 100 % yeah. So first of all like I work with a lot of people that have already done a lot of the work. They have the awareness, they know. A lot of them have already done therapy so they have the awareness they know but they struggle with feeling connected to themselves, connected to their partner. They struggle with speaking up for themselves and advocating for their pleasure and part of that is like number one we're not taught that our pleasure matters as women. It's reinforced by what we see in mainstream media and also with mainstream porn. And I will say I'm pro-porn as a whole. But there's been a difference of what's available now versus what was available even when I started masturbating and having sex. I think a lot of people get stuck in that paradigm where they're like, OK, yes, logically I know that I need to speak up and tell my partner what I want. But I'm also just like, I don't know how.

BG:Right.

CD: So part of that is using like tools. So I do assign homework assignments to get you more deep into that journal prompts, et cetera. But I also combine it with like embodied pleasure practices or somatic tools to help feel more mindful and more connected.

BG: Yeah, I mean, even in terms of like porn or erotic entertainment, it's supposed to be entertaining. It's supposed to be enticing. It isn't supposed to be like necessarily or it doesn't have to be like an educational tool.

CD: It’s not supposed to That's not what it's built for.

BG: So there's a lot of things that are missing, like the communication aspect about like, can I do this? You know, because people forget that a lot of the time for creators are on set like there's a roadmap that it's like, okay, we're gonna do this and then we're gonna go into this position and then our camp, like there's a lot more people in the room also, like calling shots and stuff. It's really important for people to remember that if that's like their only experience, like seeing sexual communication or even in films where it's like, like just regular, you know, movies that's just like, okay, take me now. It's like, there's so much missing, I feel like in terms of when things aren't going smoothly, when things are a little bit like awkward, when things are, you know, and that's why I love shows like Sex Education on Netflix. It showed a lot more of those like moments that it's like it's okay to kind of not know what you're doing completely. It's okay to explore. And so I feel like a big part of my job as an educator is just giving people permission. Do you feel like that's a big part of what you do or do you take it further in some way?

CD: I think the permission is one piece, but then I definitely take it further, especially with like one-on-one clients. We go a lot deeper with that. Some of it is, it's just like the acknowledgement. like I've had clients where they've been like, my partner won't go down on me. And I'm like, okay, but have you asked them to?

BG: I talked about this literally with mistress Lauren we were like well have you asked?

CD: And oftentimes the answer is like, no, or like, I just assume they're gonna do it. And it's like, okay, well, I'm giving you permission to speak up. And also, like, I think there's a lot of conditioning as women. Unfortunately, it is a lot of like gendered experience within this. Like, we as women are taught to not take up so much space and be subservient and not have needs as a whole. And that definitely translates to bedroom experiences. But I think giving permission to even give feedback in the moment. I know even my own experiences, when I started having sex at 14, I was not embodied in the experience. I enjoyed myself. I maybe came one or zero times. it was pleasurable, but not enjoyable, if that makes sense. And I was trying to come as quickly as possible. And then it wasn't until I was like in my mid twenties when I had one partner that focused on my pleasure and that sort of opened the door to me being able to with other partners since like give feedback in the moment. Like, OK, like, can you move a little to the left or can you finger me while you're sucking on my clit? Like, give specific feedback or like my hips actually need to be elevated or this position for me giving you a blowjob is uncomfortable. Like, let's switch it up. So like there's nothing wrong with giving feedback in the moment, but that's also we're not we don't see that in media.

BG: Right. Right.

CD: And we're not taught that. So it can be uncomfortable to sort of learn that.

BG: I did a series a while ago of like red flags in the bedroom and not in like a “leave them if they do this”, but like these are things that can be adjusted or, know. And so one of them was when you're giving feedback to someone, even if it's just like a little down, like you're, you know, on my pubic bone, like, can you go a little down? And they're like, my God, like this is like, I don't want to do this anymore then. Or they're just like. God, you're so much work or like it just, they make you feel like difficult for just being like, I want it just a little different or they're like, fine, like I'm done. Like this is too difficult. This is something I hear all the time from women especially. But I mean, a lot of people go through this. Like I know one of my friends was dating someone for a long time in a lesbian relationship that like she would be like, my God, like you're just taking so long to come, can you just like grab your vibrator? Cause like, I'm getting so bored. And you're just like, there's other ways to say that. know what mean?

CD: Definitely escalates the situation in a fun way, right?

BG: Exactly when people are like taking it too personally like they take it almost as like criticism I think seeing more examples of this communication back and forth when just telling people like not everything you will do will like blow your partner's mind and it's not supposed to and like you can't read their minds and like communications part of it but what would you say to people that you know, their partner takes it really personally or makes them feel small or makes them feel like, my God, it's just so difficult to make you come, like that kind of feeling.

CD: I’d say advice number one is try to have those conversations outside of the bedroom. like, yes, we want to be able to give feedback in real time because that's the best way to learn like what works within your relationship and within your sex life. But also if your partner is thinking it too personally or feeling triggered by it, like that's where I think it's important to have check-ins outside of the bedroom, neutral setting, daytime, no alcohol involved, weekend where no one's working, like very low stakes, low pressure and have it more framed as like a conversation. Like, hey, like let's have a check-in on like how are things in our relationship, number one, and then how are things in the bedroom? Like, is there anything you'd like more of or less of? Is there anything that is great that you want to increase? Is there anything you want to shift? And then that way it sort of makes it more neutral.

BG: Yeah.

CD: because it's just general feedback back and forth and it's not about the other person. It's like, okay, actually what do you want? And I think that can help. Not even asking, just saying like, I noticed this is like really emotionally activating for you. Is there something that we could do to make that less intense for you or something? But I think people tend to shrink themselves for their partner.

BG: So what you were saying earlier about like women, internalizing a lot of these thoughts and these like gendered scripts, I have to come before he comes. So I better like put in all this work to come and like, then it's not an issue later. It's great to prioritize your pleasure and to, you know, But I feel like there's definitely a threshold there where it's like you're almost doing it too much for the sake of someone else. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like, it's really important. Like the whole like she comes first thing is really great. And I love that. But it's like, if she's not going to come at all, unless like she like tries really, really hard to get it in before you do like that to me feels counterproductive. Do you know what I mean?

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CD: Yes, I think with closing the orgasm gap, there needs to be more priority on women's pleasure as a whole. And at the same time, as someone who specializes in female orgasms and multiple orgasms, when we're so focused on the end goal, it kind of takes you out of the experience to where you're just focused on, I want to come. And that was my experience. I tried to come as quickly as possible because I wanted the release that I got from an orgasm, but I wasn't actually embodied. And what's crazy, it's like me being able to explore becoming multi-orgasmic was slowing down, not focusing on an end destination and also like having partners that cared about my pleasure, but didn't want to come themselves. And so there was no end in the beginning. It was, okay, let's focus on this erogenous zone or like neck kisses or, you know, I've had nipplegasms, had from breath work or whatever, but it's like when we slow down and we're actually like mindful and in our bodies and enjoying, I think that's helpful. And also like, just like there's the relationship escalator, right? Where you're dating, you get engaged, you get married, you have kids. Like there's also the sex escalator, right? The basis where most people assume, especially if you're in a heterosexual dynamic, that you're going from kissing to fingering, hand job, to oral, then to penetration, and then it's done after penetration, but it doesn't have to be that way. You can also penetrate and go back to other stuff. You can take a break, snack break. You can laugh, you can queef. It doesn't fucking matter. some water, stay hydrated. And I'm a marathon girly. I enjoy going for several hours, but that also means we have breaks, we have cuddles, sometimes shower, hydrate.You know, and I think that's important, but it's like, yes, get your nut, but also be mindful and try to be present in the experience. Yeah. And I think that comes with communication and then also just like trusting your partner. And it can be hard to be vulnerable and like express that initially, especially if that's not what your bedroom experiences have been. Yeah. Whether with this partner or other people. But the more that you speak up for yourself, the more likely you are to get your needs met. Like no one's a mind reader. Right. Is it possible to have everything without talking about it? Sure. But it's going to be that much more challenging to experience it.

BG: I've been having sex with the same person now for six years and there's still things that I'm learning about because like also people forget that it's not fixed. It's like your sexual needs and desires and things you've like they might change and evolve with time. I know I was talking to someone the other day who they went to go see baby girl and they were like, oh like this is kind of this changed something in me and like they've been having sex with the same person for like five years and they're like we're gonna try something new. It's like, that’s the fun part. Like you get to evolve together. Like so even in long-term relationships, like you can't expect someone to be a mind reader either because also you might change your mind and that's the cool part. But let's talk about multi-orgasmic fun. I love just when people have those experiences for the first time and they're like, I didn't know my body could do that. It's just so incredible. And I saw some new research lately that suggests that a multi-orgasm, there's like different types as you're aware of. There's a theory that's a certain type of multi-orgasm might actually be like one really long. And I was like, that's really cool to think about.

CD: Yeah, I mean, I do think there needs to be more research in like overall with women's pleasure. the different types of orgasms, like that's widely debated, right? Yeah, yeah. Some people think there's only like four. Some people think there's 14. Like everyone has different opinions. I'd say like in my experience and what I've seen like with clients is oftentimes to get until that multi-orgasmic state. And experiencing a blended orgasm is what helps. And so that means like stimulation from two or more areas. So this could mean like nipple play with clit stimulation. This could be clit stimulation with internal penetration, whether that's a hand, a dildo, your partner's penis, like doesn't matter. But also it's typically easier once you've had one to back it off a little bit, Because oftentimes we feel very sensitive immediately after. It's kind of like a similar advice that I have with people who are pre-orgasmic, right? Who haven't been able to experience orgasm yet is-

BG: Wait- Pre-orgasmic. Cool. CD: I think it's more empowering to phrase it that way.

BG: I love that.

CD: Because it's not that you can't, right? Very rare can people just not be able to. Yeah. Oftentimes it's like you don't have the education, the awareness, the comfort.

BG: love that term pre-orgasmic! Or there's something like biologically pelvic floor dysfunction. may have clitoral adhesion, something like that.

CD: And so it's about finding the right resources too to be able to have the support for that. And, but I'd say oftentimes it's a lot of people are afraid to lean into this discomfort, right? Like, I don't know if you remember, but like I know my first few orgasms, I was like, what's happening with my body, right? I also was like 14. So I literally was like, what the fuck is going on?

BG: I was like, Whoa, this rocks, but also what the fuck is going on?

CD: And I think like some of us feel like we're going to have the sensation of pee. Some people, you know, squirting. I'm not a squirting expert. I've never squirted. Like I'm open to it one day. We'll see.

BG: I had Susie Steller on a couple years ago and she straight up was like, are you a squirter or a creamer? And I was like.. (nodding)

CD: like I'm a creamer for sure. And I will continue to cream like throughout the day, the next few days. BG: Yeah, yeah.

CD: Yeah, definitely have to replace my underwear after marathons for sure. With the pre-orgasmic, it's uncomfortable initially because you don't know. And while yes, I do think like orgasms, I categorize them as like the common thread is like the contractions, right? The vaginal contractions, especially for women and people with vulvas, but they can feel different for everyone. And I think a lot of people compare it to what they see in the media or porn, which is like sensationalized. Yes, I have had orgasms that are like full body shuddering ecstasy.

BG:Primal

CD: but not everyone is that way. I experienced different orgasms when I'm by myself versus with a partner.

BG: You can also have one of those like just quick ones. You know, like sometimes like I haven't had an orgasm for a while and I use like a wand and I'm like, oh my God, okay, just had one, but it wasn't satisfying at all. It was just, it just came and went, you know, or like if I'm doing ab exercises once in while, it'll just happen. And I'm like, hello, can you not do that right now?

CD: The worst is I used to work at (GYM) and so I would work out all the time. But the worst is like when I'd masturbate before doing a spin class, like not immediately before, but like before I'd leave. And like I would have multiple orgasms on this damn spin bike just from how it was rubbing me. And I was like, it was embarrassing at the time because this was like before I got into like the sex coaching piece. But yeah, it's like everything can be worth

BG: And it's like, you doesn't necessarily have to like feel good either. Like there's some people who have, who physically have an orgasm and because of either the kind of vagal response or shame, or they have a pelvic floor issue, they're just like, this is super uncomfortable. People, lot of the time automatically soon, especially people like in male bodies that might not have like a vagina and they don't understand that like sometimes an orgasm happens and you're still not like satisfied.Like the satisfaction is almost like a different piece of it

CD: So different types of orgasms. So I think it's number one, like looking at all the erogenous zones. So like the most common erogenous zones, have like nipples, right? Our mouth can be a source of orgasm. Neck kisses. You can get orgasms from like your inner thigh. But if we focus on like generally, A lot of them are clitoral. There's been more research that shows that the elusive G-spot, right? It's not a spot.

BG: Yeah, it's not a spot.

And it's the back of the clitoris, right? It's the erectile tissue that we have internally that stimulates all of that.

BG: The CUV complex!

CD: So oftentimes you can have internal orgasm. You can have clitoral. You can have the anal. For men, it's the prostate. There's lots of different layers. And then when you're experiencing orgasm, as a woman or someone with a vulva, oftentimes there will be contractions, whether it's just in this region, whether it's your whole body.

Other instances can be like your breath changing and quickening, your eyes dilating, your nipples getting harder.

BG: The blush.

CD: The blush for sure. So like those are like the physiological signs. And then sometimes you might feel pressure too in your brain. know I started getting headaches after orgasms. Interesting. So I need to get that looked at. But everyone experiences it differently, right? And I think, Something to keep in mind too is like the blended orgasm. So combining two or more different body parts or different like erogenous regions can be very helpful too. like understanding and giving yourself permission to explore your body. Like I realized like I'm very sensitive so I don't use toys often. I go acoustic when I'm by myself.

BG: The old-fashioned way.

CD: Old-fashioned way. Like the 1500s, like, let's churn the butter. But that's not to say I don't like toys. I just use them non-traditionally. So like, I like the clit suction toys, but how I like it is on my nipples because that sensation feels good. That, yeah. Yeah. Or like using a vibrator, but like I’m too sensitive the first orgasm, so I will wait until I'm like three orgasms deep and then do that. And what you were saying with satisfaction, like that's something that I've discovered about myself is that if I go straight to the vibrator immediately, I will come quickly within like 30 seconds, but I won't feel satisfied. And part of that satisfaction for me was like redefining my relationship to pleasure and realizing that I don't have to get there as quickly as possible. also sometimes, whether I'm by myself or with a partner, sometimes I don't want to come. Sometimes I just want to enjoy the experience. Sometimes there's other things on my mind. Sometimes I have a headache. Orgasms can resolve headaches, but they can also create them. So there's a lot to keep in mind, but I think it's being mindful of your experiencing.

a lot of tension.

And then like the length of time for an orgasm it can be anywhere from like, I don't know, five seconds to like a minute and a half. And then for what I've experienced and what I've supported clients through too is like if you are someone with avulva, if you're experiencing penetration now I think like 18% can experience like vaginal orgasm without any clitoral stimulation. So if you can’t, try the clitoral first and try it at the same time. So whether that's your partner penetrating with their penis or a toy, also using clit stimulation. So that could be fingers, rubbing, mouth, vibrator, whatever, lean into that sensation. And then once you've had one or once you've had, then it's easier to keep the bone rolling. And I know, especially for those who might feel a little self-conscious, like being on top, that's actually the best way to get your nut! Because you're in control of the speed, rhythm, the depth, all of that. I usually try to have at least 10 orgasms before any penis goes anywhere near me. And then I average 30 orgasms with a partner. And when I'm on top, it just goes and goes and goes and goes and goes.

BG: So you were not joking when you said multi-organic

CD: No, literally my average is 30 every time I'm with a partner. I think the most has been like 72 within five hours.

BGL Mine when I'm multi-orgasmic are just like stretched out one long one

CD: mine are like very distinct.

BG: Interesting. Mine is just kind of almost like waves where it's it's all kind of the same thing and it gets like more intense, less intense, like stuff like that. You know, what you were saying about like less than 20 % of people with vagina can come from just penetration alone. It's really interesting to see like there's some research that, by the way, there's so many scientists that would love to study this and are desperate to study it and people don't want to fund it. because it's like, it's not medically necessary. And I'm like, that's...

CD: It sucks so bad. much harder with the current administration..

BG: And we'll get into that. We'll get into that. the penetration wise, it's those people, their clitoris might have more distinct legs under the labia, or maybe their internal portion of their clitoris is stronger. I think it's so important to, like what you're saying, teach people about the clitoral-urethral-vaginal complex and teach people about also the language.

And I think what you're talking about, it's like you're giving people a vocabulary for their genitals. You're giving people vocabulary for the touch. And that goes way beyond giving someone permission. You're like, here's like a glossary. Here are the tools. And I think that that is so important. And I love that. What we were talking about, there's a lot of changes going on. There's a lot of changes. Changes to obviously, you know,

CD: Yeah.

BG: big policy changes, a lot of people are very overwhelmed and people are scared. And some people it's affecting their sex in terms of their desire is completely gone. And other people have a lot of nervous energy and need to fuck it out. Are you having these talks with clients? you know, are these big political changes messing with people's sex drives?

CD: I mean, 100%, I think in general, stress is a huge factor when it comes to libido. And I think foundational knowledge for people, if you haven't already picked up Come As You Are, that I think is a very good foundational book for understanding, yes, it's focused on female anatomy and pleasure, but also desire and libido as a whole. I it's really great for understanding. so within that, it's like, Are you responsive desire? Like, do you need the perfect situation to even consider thinking about having sex or are you just ready to go? And I think for a lot of people, even if they were more spontaneous, like I used to be spontaneous and be able to come immediately and want sex immediately, just waking up, whatever, like the wind blows and I'm down. And now I feel like also with age, with stress, I'm in grad school. I have more things on my plate. I'm just fucking tired.

I don't even want to masturbate anymore. And now I'm going from like, I think I was like every single day and sometimes like twice or four, up to four times a day. And now I'm like, maybe like twice a week if that. I think I even went like a whole month without touching myself when I was sick. like, and that's okay. And I think with the current political climate too, I think a lot of women, people with vulvas, uteruses are feeling such a lack of autonomy. We just don't have control. And obviously it depends on the state you live in and whatever protections that are there, but also that's being challenged federally.

BG: And a lot of us feel very powerless right now because it's like all of this is happening and you know what too I I think a lot of us also feel a lot of resentment because it's like we told you all this would happen. We were called, We were called over-dramatic and like all the stuff and I talked about that the other day online where it was like You're not overreacting

CD: rest of the world is underreacting.

BG: And you know what I mean? And I feel like that's an important thing to make clear to you. It's like, it's OK if your sex life changes. It's OK if your desire disappears. Sometimes like our brains just prioritize other other things. But I feel like there's a lot of women who feel really conflicted because it's like, well, it shouldn't like affect me this much or like, you know, like all of that. And it's like we talk about being embodied in our pleasure. So what was what does that look like in 2025? What is being embodied in your pleasure just not despite but maybe in spite of everything that's happening? What does that look like?

CD: I mean, that's going to be different for everyone, right? And I think that's bringing in the awareness and the mindfulness too. So it's like, know for my journey, being embodied in pleasure looks like initially, I think like my mid-twenties, I decided I was trying to get my mental health right. I was like, I'm not dating. wanted to, I was a fuck girl for sure. And I was like, okay, I got to feel myself. So I stopped dating. I stopped hooking up.

I changed the way that I masturbated and like I watch porn now, but there was a period of time where I didn't and I was giving myself permission to feel my body, explore what it felt like. A period of time where I didn't watch porn at all. didn't listen to like erotica, none of that. And part of this was like I had my own like spiritual journey and part of that was like connecting to myself and being embodied in pleasure. And so like sometimes I'd masturbate and not cum. Sometimes I'd like say affirmations to myself to help myself feel better and like build that confidence. I shifted from masturbating at nighttime to like go to sleep to now I do it normally in the morning or the middle of the day, because it gives me that boost of energy.

BG: I have a listener question about that.

Okay, perfect. Yeah, but I think like being I guess like mindful and like what feels good and then that was like Gosh, maybe five six years ago and then that's since change I've had sex with people since then I've dated people since then things have changed I started integrating toys back in but what's changed over the last few years is like, okay if I want To be embodied in autonomy and consent with a partner. Why am I not doing that with myself? So I went from

basically forcing myself to masturbate every single day because I knew it felt good and I knew I wanted the flood of the hormones to then, okay, well, what do I actually want? What's gonna give me pleasure right now? Is this something that feels like a full body yes or is it a no? I think that also helps leading into being embodied in pleasure. And you don't have to force sexual pleasure, right? There's other ways that we can experience pleasure. So maybe what you actually need is like, to listen to music in the bath and have a fucking cry. Sometimes it's like, okay, you want to go get your little sweet treat and yap with your friends. Like that's pleasure. Maybe it's investing in like a nice luxurious little like, I call them hoe robes, like, you know, the satin robes, you know, and that nice candle. like pleasure can be all of these things. It doesn't just have to be in the context of sex. And it definitely doesn't have to bein the context of like sex with another partner. It can be with yourself. And I think being able to define that for yourself and giving yourself permission to know that like it will change and continue to evolve. like stress in general is like a huge factor that impacts libido.

BG: I have a prediction that a lot of people will change their power dynamic in sex during all of this, think.It tends to happen when there's like a lot of chaos in the federal government.

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So I have some listener questions, and if we don’t get to all of them we’ll answer in the bonus. But also, do you plan on being a sex coach for a long time? Is there something else you want to transition to?

CD: I mean, I enjoy sex coaching because I think it's important. And also, I think part of my purpose, how it's evolving, is part of why I went back to school. So I'm at Columbia for clinical psychology. Let's go. With a concentration of women, sex, and gender. So I very much want to be in this field of sexuality forever. But I think how that's changing and evolving is I know I'm here to almost help people maybe it's like the first awakening of pleasure if that makes sense. Yeah. I know I'm here to help more people wider net than like more personalized if that makes sense.

BG: That’s how I felt too. By the way, my sex life changed a lot in grad school, both because I was in a long distance relationship and also because I was like, I'm drawing diagrams of a heart right now. I cannot bother.

CD: I’m so fucking tired. So much reading.

BG: I was like, if I'm orgasming, it's going to be like sub two minute session. Like I'm not.

CD: No, I still want the marathons, like they're not as often as I traditionally would like. And yeah, moving, think more into education and more widespread. Like I want to be more accessible. like while I love coaching and I love the transformation that I'm able to support my clients through, think, I mean, we know coaching isn't accessible with pricing. Like it just, can't be.

BG: I get that.
 CD: But that's why I think that education is important and I'm wanting to move into being like a human sexuality professor in college and doing more online and in person stuff. want to write a book, show, whatever.

BG: love that. Okay, so our first question, the listener is a 25 year old woman. She says, my boyfriend and I just started living together and I'm having a bit of a problem already. So before he moved in, I spent most nights alone. I always pulled out my suction toy and had an orgasm to help me fall asleep. Now I feel like I can't do that. Initiating sex every night seems unrealistic and I also don't want to go through all those steps of having partnered sex.

He loves to cuddle until we fall asleep, but I just lay there awake for hours. What should I do? I want to have my nightly little O.

CD: Yeah, I mean, change in routine. Totally. And I think there's a huge misconception that a lot of people assume just because you're in a relationship that all of your orgasms have to come from your partner. Like, that's false. That's bullshit. But we're not taught that, right? A lot of people assume that when you're in a relationship, you're just going to have sex all the time or whatever cadence feels good for you, right? The frequency. Whatever is normal is normal for you. It doesn't have to be the frequency of everyone else. And it's still normal to masturbate when you're in a relationship, regardless of gender and sexual orientation. like if having your nightly, like self pleasure session is something you'd like to introduce, fucking do it, you know?

It might be a little uncomfortable having that conversation, like leave the room or you can have them watch too. That might be hot. Maybe that's shifting to like doing it in the shower or something else. If you want some more privacy, maybe that's like having an orgasm earlier in the day when you have your own space. So I think it's giving yourself permission to have that self pleasure again. Number one, being open to things shifting in terms of how you're making that happen.

And then I think also like having a conversation with your partner too, because some might feel, and this is something I've seen from clients and just like from people in comments on like social media too, is some people feel insecure if their partner is like seeking that self-gratification because they feel like I'm not enough. Why do they have to find this elsewhere?

Yeah, and it's like, but it's not about that because our pleasure gets to be ours alone. And yes, it's amazing to share it with a partner, but it's still your own. You're responsible for your own pleasure. And so it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the relationship. Like that just might be part of your routine and that's okay. It might not be part of your partner's routine and that's okay. I think there's also a misconception too. Like a lot of people assume most men are masturbating every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day, and that's the assumption, right? But that doesn't exist for women, right? We assume that that's not the case. When everyone has a different libido, everyone has different desires, everyone has different needs.

BG: Like you said, even like just becoming a nighttime shower girl, something like that. If you're not ready to have those conversations yet, it's definitely the ownership of each other's pleasure. It can be a really big issue. People tend to get really personal about it. So I really like what you said there about, you can literally just be straight up and be like, do you want to watch? It could be even just as simple as that, you know. These things may seem obvious to some people and to other people, they're like, wait, I've never thought about it that way.

It's interesting to see how those scripts change people's perception of what they're allowed to do.

CD: And you're allowed to do literally whatever. And I think too, like, if you want to masturbate at nighttime, it can be mutual masturbation or just you. Another way that can shift, like, the power dynamic too, tie up your partner, maybe even just with your underwear. It doesn't even have to be full bondage. Make them watch. I love doing that.

BG: We’ll get into that behind a paywall! Okay, so next question. A listener is a 28 year old woman. I just got into my first lesbian relationship after previously only dating men and being closeted. Our sex is fantastic and everything I could have ever asked for. However, after I have sex, I start feeling so weird. I feel overwhelmed and I feel anxious. I get really quiet and I have knots in my stomach. It's not anything we're physically doing because we do different things a lot of the time. It isn't just after I orgasm because it doesn't happen when I'm alone. This also never happened with a man. Is there any way to get rid of this? Oh, baby girl.

CD: I don't know. think number one, it's like asking, is it just coming from sex or are there maybe subconscious belief systems like shame? Like were you raised in a society or culture where, you know, it's not okay to have sapphic sex? There could be a lot of that deep, deep, deep ingrained belief systems that maybe you're not even consciously aware of. And I think that's helpful to know.

But there's so much context that's missing here to know fully what's going on. But I think asking yourself, OK, where does this belief come from? And sometimes we don't know. And so that's where using somatic tools can be very helpful with feeling more embodied and feeling safe in your body.

BG: And also feeling like you didn't do anything wrong. You were allowed to feel that good. And I think it could definitely be like an internalized homophobia thing, but it could also be just a part of like, this is the first time you're having the sex that you really want. And maybe that's terrifying.

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BGL But what somatic tools would you suggest? mean, not trying to get a whole session out of you.

CD: Yeah. I mean, I love sharing resources. Gosh, there's so many. I number one tool that really combines thematic with like subconscious that I use with clients all the time is like EFT tapping is great. It's accessible for everyone. You don't need anyone to facilitate it for you. I like using either one of two points. One here is like the fleshy part of the hand.

And like you can say in your head or out loud, depending on like where you are, like how you're feeling. I like using it as a belief bridge. So from the disempowered state to the more empowered state. And I can go through a little example too. The other point I really like is here, the middle of the chest. Some people like doing the clavicle. I like the middle of chest just with how it feels, especially if you're experiencing anxiety,

I do this subconsciously sometimes like on the train.

BG: I play with my necklace a lot and I think it's a part of, part like me wanting to do this.

CD: Yeah. And so like the vagus nerve goes through here. So I think anything that like chest region can be very calming. But an example of how you do it is like, okay, so even though I'm feeling very icky and uncomfortable right now, I wholly and completely love and accept and forgive myself. You would say that whatever that first statement is three times and then you go into like, I don't know why I'm feeling this way. And I honestly don't need to know why I'm feeling this way but I know that it's possible to feel differently because I have felt differently before. And so you slowly talk out loud or in your head through the shitty feelings, like literally say them. I swear in them when I'm guiding people, I'm just like, just be personal. And then the belief bridge, what's the interesting place is getting to the point of neutrality. So it's like, the neutrality is like, even though I feel this way, I haven't felt this way before and I know that it's possible because other people in my life don't feel this way too. Even if right now I'm feeling kind of icky and even though I don't know why, it's okay. And I'm choosing to love myself anyways. I'm choosing to lean into this discomfort. And I know that actually, you know what? I get to experience this pleasure and I get to take up space. And even though I might not know what the fuck I'm doing,

We're all learning. We're all evolving. It's okay. Life is a journey. I'm not supposed to have all the answers. I never will have all the answers. And maybe one day I will have this experience and just feel joy and pleasure. And that's it. And I'm so, so excited for when that happens.

BG: Yeah, I think that that is a really great script to try or to just think about these things and like, don't need to know why this is happening right now. Because sometimes people I feel like they intellectualize their emotions as a way to avoid dealing with them. And then it just kind of snowballs and gets a lot worse.

CD: Yeah, and like this is coming from like I'm very I've intellectualized my emotions since childhood like I started in therapy when I was 10. So like I I've been around the block on my on my mind. Like I know exactly why I have like the bad habits I have, but that takes you out of the body. And so that's why I like EFT tapping because it helps process what's happening subconsciously, but connects you with your body. And then something so simple self hug.

BG: Yeah, self hug.

CD: especially if you're like swaying a little bit and like go for it. But it's like how often do you actually spend with that intentional touch with yourself?

BGL Even one of these self-compassion. It's nice. This feels really hard for a lot of people to just pet themselves. You're allowed and be compassionate with yourself. You're allowed to want it. You're allowed to have it. You're allowed to decide what you want to do with it.

Mm-hmm.

CD: I think part two is like, we often don't realize like with how our body processes emotions like fear and anxiety, right? It feels the same as excitement. yeah. So allowing yourself to recategorize that feeling of fear, like fear can be healthy, obviously, like it's there to like keep us safe. But sometimes our body has a hard time processing it. So if you try to intentionally recategorize that too, OK. even though I'm feeling a little fear right now because it's unknown to me. But actually what I'm feeling is excitement.

BG: Yeah, I like that a lot. When I was really young. I was in a relationship with a girl who after we had sex, she wouldn't necessarily get like sad or shut down, but she would kind of start like lashing out at me a little bit. And I was always like, what is going on? Like, I just made you come three times in a row. What is going on? Like, why are you mad at me? And as it turns out, like after a long time of talking, we figured out that like, she was really upset with herself for doing the thing that she wasn't allowed to do. She grew up like in a very, you know, just a lot of homophobia, you know, and something she said, she was like, well, you know, I can be with women, but like, I'm wasting my time because I know I'm going to have to marry a man.

CD: Says who?

BG: Right. And I was like, first of all, we're like 17. We're not getting married anytime soon anyway. know, but I just remember being like, you know, I think you're just upset at the situation and you feel like you're doing something wrong and she would get like really angry like she would like storm into the bathroom and like she would just feel like really like just pent up like you know, it's frustrated and you know after talking about it and stuff we we came to this conclusion that like right after sex she could have some alone time to just like take a moment and let it all come up and let it all kind of like release and then she would come back and share with me how she was feeling and what we were gonna do. And then we would just do something either distracting or we would do something together.

CD: That’s a lot of self-awareness for a 17 year old. Like I did not know aftercare existed at that age, so proud of you.

BG: If this had been with a guy, don't know if I would have been as, because a lot of the time this happened with guys and I was like, oh, I guess I did something wrong. It's interesting that because I was already friends with her, female friendship is just so beautiful and powerful and we were already so intimate with each other in that way that it was easy for us to be like, it didn't even seem like after it cared to me, I was like, oh, my friend needs help. We just happened to be going down on each other. But I think that element can be really powerful for people. like, you're also allowed to like take a moment for yourself. You know, can be really overwhelming to feel all of this and like you can tell your partner like, I just need a moment. Yeah. I feel like this comes up a lot with kink too.

CD: Yeah, and I think it's also important to have that awareness of knowing when's the right time to find professional support too. Because oftentimes, your partner is not qualified to help you through whatever you're experiencing, especially if you're getting that big visceral full body reaction. Yes, it's OK to take time to yourself. Everyone's aftercare looks different. Some people just need to be in their own. Some people need connection. That's why it's important to talk about it. But also, like, seek professional support if this is something that you're noticing is like a pattern to, or it doesn't even have to be a pattern. It can be a one-time thing. But if you're experiencing something where you're feeling that trigger, find someone that's like a trauma-informed coach, therapist, practitioner, whatever. But sometimes you need that additional support.

BG: Definitely. And I think a lot of people are afraid to seek support because it's what they consider just a sex thing. It's your whole life. it's what we do in sex is often a reflection of the rest of us. And also like it comes into our sex life and our sex life bleeds into the other because it's all just part of who we are. CD: But its not!

BG: I think we should answer that last question in the bonus. it's a 42 year old guy who is having a very common problem and I'm excited for you to help him. But where can my listeners find you?

CD: Yeah, you can find me on all socials, mostly TikTok and Instagram. starting a YouTube. I'm at I am Catherine Drysdale or my website, CatherineDrysdale.com. I have a lot of like sex education resources. I try to make it more accessible. All sorts of conversations make it approachable, but also give, you know, the background. And then I also have a membership called PleasureRx where you get instant access to everything that I've ever created in terms of workshops, master classes, courses, you name it. And then each month we have a new live master class and it's like group coaching in there too.

BG: Wow. didn't know you had that. I just wow. That's so cool. And if you're not already following Catherine on TikTok or Instagram, please go do so. She's killing it. She is really funny. She is funny, pretty, smart, the whole package. So what are you doing if you're not already following her? Thank you for coming on and thanks for going beyond the bedroom. And we'll see you in the bonus.